i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
