Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
