so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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