got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
