just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
