Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
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Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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