Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
