Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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