How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
