I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
