I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
