Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.