just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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