I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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