Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
