what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
