I am midnight drunk by noon
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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