I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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