I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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