Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
