just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What drink are we having for lunch?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
