if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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