please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
