Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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