The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
