i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
