you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
