If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
