I wanna bring you to show and tell
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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