From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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