I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
