my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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