good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
