Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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