How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my shit smells like andre
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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