my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
