Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
