Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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