he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
