Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I will be naked everywhere
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You ruined the universe
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
