i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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