I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
