I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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