In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
