this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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