be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
