Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
