I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
