I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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