he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
