i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
