I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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