I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
