I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
